I haven't felt like myself for a long time
I'm too worried about what other people think about me

I feel like the more people know about me the more they have to use against me
I don't like feeling vulnerable 

to me, perfection is not being ill
so I push everything away
I want to be perfect 

if I am perfect I am loved
if I am loved I will not be forgotten 
I just want to inspire someone

if I don't inspire anyone I have no purpose 
if I have no purpose what's the point of even living anymore
what's the point of caring about things you are destined to lose

I don't get it

why create something so fragile at all if this was meant to happen 
I don't understand it

I used to be a bad person
 
I remembered a friend I had
her name was Soraya

Soraya had another friend
her name was Fiona

when I first saw Fiona something changed in me
she was so kind
she was different 
she stood out
everyone loved her
she inspired people
she inspired me

after awhile I grew envious 
I wasn't interesting 
I was just a socially awkward freak
I didn't know how to talk to people 

but Fiona taught me how to talk to people 

after awhile of being with her I thought of something 
I could pretend to be someone I wasn't 
that was the worst thought I ever had
but it worked 

people liked me
they actually liked me
it was so overwhelming and amazing and it made me so happy

I wanted more people to like me

so

I started doing more
I ran for student council as president 
people looked up to me 

but it wasn't enough 

Fiona was still looked up to more than me
I hated it
It hurt me so much
so I did what I now come to regret 

I did horrible things to her
I slowly picked her apart
I would make comments about her
but at the same time reassure her that

"I'm just trying to help"

she was ashamed of who she was because of me
I would blame every wrong thing I did on her
she couldn't deny it because she thought she deserved it

I made her hate herself 

and I was now loved
I was at the top

a while after this something bad happened 

Soraya and I got into a fight 
and I said horrible things

I framed everything on Fiona 

I said she forced me to
I said she wanted to kill me so I was scared and had to fight Soraya

I also told the school that she cut herself and showed me
and that she said I made her do it

I never knew she actually cut herself 
but she did
so my story was believable 

and everyone believed me

I didn't want that to really happen 

her parents were catholic 
they were strict 

when they found out they took her out of school 
they made her life horrible 

I made her life horrible 

Soraya and I became friends again but we didn't go to the same school anymore 

we talked online for a bit
she told me what happened to Fiona

her parents were abusing her

I realized what I did after awhile 

my guilt was eating away at me
I felt horrible 

I don't deserve forgiveness 
but I am sorry 

do not forgive me

I am tired
I'm tired of everything  

awhile ago I was never like this
I had a true purpose once

my original purpose was to help people
helping people made me happy

I was too focused on helping people I neglected myself
I neglected things I needed
I was so mentally tired
I lied to myself 
I thought that if I put all of my energy into making anyone, just someone happy it would make me feel better too

but it didn't work out

in the end I pushed away all the people I cared about
I realized that not everyone wanted to be helped 
no matter how hard I tried it never worked
 
I know why now
there is no use to helping people 

you can't help someone if they're too far in
they have to help themselves 
they know what they need

I don't know who I am anymore 
and I don't think I will ever find a purpose again 

I'm really sorry 
I never asked for this

I don't know why I do the things I do
it's like my body moves on it's own sometimes

you know..
I had big dreams for the future 

but i dont think my dreams will come true anytime soon

society is becoming worse 
you can't stand out or be different 

everyone is so tiring 

I am tired of this all

sorry